Lesser-known facts about Republican Presidential Candidates
Newt Gingrich:
- When applying for a job and made to fill in a box marked “weaknesses,” usually writes “Cannot see through walls”
- Is actually two less conservative men, one standing on the other’s shoulders, wearing a long jacket
- Was sent by Dre to piss the world off, was too successful, hence Eminem
- Likes his buffets like he likes his marriages: Open
- First name is short for “Newton’s Third Law of Thermodynamics”
Mitt Romney:
- Is so rich that he owns two copies of The Incredible Hulk #181, featuring the first full appearance of Wolverine. One copy is kept in pristine condition in a bag, the other he openly reads at comic conventions with jam on his hands
- Doesn’t even like Wolverine that much anyway
- As a child, came across a corporation in a field that had fallen out of a tree and injured its supply chain; he took it home and nursed it back to health before tearfully releasing it back into the free market
- Once helped the homeless by installing a warming mug of delicious, hearty soup at eye-level behind a bulletproof window in his home
- First name is short for “Mitt Romney is Better Than You”
Rick Santorum:
- Thinks about gay men more often than all of Madonna’s backing dancers, past and present, combined
- Believes that tying a tie on the Sabbath is ungodly; does not take off his neckwear upon going to bed on a Saturday
- Gave his wife the pet-name “wombguardian”
- Favourite method of eating a hotdog is to lick off all the condiments in a slow and deliberate manner while moaning softly and holding back tears
- First name is short for “Ricardo”
Ron Paul
- When watching someone play Super Mario 3, usually roots for the Goombas
- Wakes up the morning after a full moon with flesh under his fingernails, ballet gear on the floor of his bedroom and no memory of the previous night
- Can hypnotise the simple-minded
- Is able to use initiative to work independently but also able to collaborate in team-based projects
- References available upon request
